I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
