you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
