Your tits are I can't wait for
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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