my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
