It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
