And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
