Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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