the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
try to milk me bitch
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
