one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
