You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
