I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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