would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
