Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
