walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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