Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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