I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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