considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
