I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
do nipples grow back?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
