Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
