Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
