I met the friendliest cop last night
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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