I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
