last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
