Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
