some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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