I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
