if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
this just has baby written all over it
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
