We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He did a backflip because drugs
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
