I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
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