we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
zippers are such a cool invention
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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