I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
