so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Randomize
