After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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