Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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