In the future we'll all be gay
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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