Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
