I want to have your abortion
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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