i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
