If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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