I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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