toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
