New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
