I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
