I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
