it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
