i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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