Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
