I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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