The maid of honor just puked.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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