it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
