I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
